The Coming Rebellion

There is a cage that I left behind in my memories, this bird is destined to fly high. 
There is a box that I cut and flattened, nothing that size can contain who I am.
There is a room that I opened the door to, so that you can hear what I say
There is a place up high that I live from, that lets me live the crazy the world cannot contain.
There is a world that needs all of heaven and the craziness that there lives so stops the deathly silence.

What if we are seated in heavenly places so that we can rule from there?

The Lord has given us authority over the earth and we have done so by pulling out row upon row of boxes, crates and containment units; according to the size of what they must contain.  

The earth has become a nice line upon line security center, filled with containers of many sizes as long as none is too big as to over shadow. As one rises another falls to keep the bell curve.

In heaven we have permission, full permission to be wholly and fully ourselves. We can let all our crazy out, we can scream, laugh, snort, dance, and twirl as much and as nuts as we want or feel we need to. But here in the earth we hold back to keep to societies picture of what we are supposed to be. We start to believe that who we really are is not an acceptance part of the picture. We live in a way that morphs who we are that is enough ourselves so we don't go mad but subdued and moulded enough to fit somewhere

 

One of our biggest fears is that we will not be wholly accepted, that people will misunderstand what they see in front of them that they will throw us away and reject us. 

What we don't realise is that when we are fully ourselves, this give permission to those who have been ready and waiting to be fully themselves.

The world can't change if we agree with it.

There is an anarchy rising, a world sick of it all. There is a rebellion that will change the face of the world forever. My question is, are you going to be a part of it?

My Journey on Loving Myself

This is not the first day of my journey to loving myself, but I want to become accountable and inspire others to go on this journey too.  So many people think this is all about eating well and exercise. It is so much more than that.
The thing is, whenever I go to love myself well, even just eating well and exercise, I get a panic that rises up and a defiance that causes and anger in me.  I feel like grabbing the first load of junk food I can and having a binge.

This is my journey.  I am being extremely vulnerable for you all that read it, so that I can walk through the process and track it as well as inspire you all who read it.
The first step is to take a deep breath, to look at myself in the mirror daily and tell myself the truth.  My daily declarations are simple:

                                      " I am beautiful."
                         " I am powerful."
                         " I am loved."
                          "I am wise."

I have been intentional about telling myself these truths everyday, it may seem that it doesn't go in, that it doesn't make a difference but the more you tell yourself the truth, the more you start to believe it, and the more you set free.

Please join me as I step out into this journey on intentionally loving myself well.

Grace and Love to Learn

There is more to life than the 'breath in, breath out' there is more to grace than covering sin.

What I have been learning is, that God's love isn't a feeling.  His grace isn't just to bring me to heaven.  Rather His love is all abiding, living, breathing and creating inside of me with every thought that I have and every way that I look, He is there ready to love me and never stopping.  God's love is LIFE.  Moreover His grace didn't just  cover my sin it is a part of  Love and I would long for people to understand that His love and grace are one and the same,  they are not separate   Just like Father, Son and Spirit are three but one, so is love and grace; two but one.

Here's what it looks like for me...

I have this habit of not loving myself well at times.

God's grace is ready to cover me so that I don't lose myself, time, hope and joy.  Then Love burns through me so that I can have the strength to carry on without guilt or shame.  When I start to look after myself well, then sabotage it God's grace comes in and tells me that I am not less for having flaws and His love shows me that no matter what, I am perfect.  I am His princess, His child, His love, the apple of His eye.  There have been times where He has stood by and let me learn alone, but His grace and love never leave, and when I am ready, Grace is ready to redeem.  Grace and Love never stop holding my hand, massaging my neck, whispering sweet truth in my ear.  But when I am ready to take note, they always up the game and bring more.

 His grace brings back 10 times what the enemy steals by lying to us, even if we sin by believing those lies, that's another reason Christ died.

I am glad I have Grace and Love that covers me as I learn.

Grace is Now

To be honest with you, I wasn't sure about this stage in my journey.  The signs were all there that it was right, but there was very little choice too and that made me feel uneasy.  I could have stayed in Hamilton, where I felt stuck, felt unseen, unheard and misunderstood...but was also still very comfortable and familiar. Or I could move up to Whangarei, where I knew no one and have only heard of the great people up here.  So I tested the waters and God pointed up here and I went.

Now that I am here, I am feeling the most accepted I have ever felt in my own country.  I have felt the acceptance of friends, but not of a community of people.  This is awesome news for me cos I have some growing to do.

Here in Whangarei, I have been myself wholly, and there has been nothing but love and acceptance.  No gossip, no backstabbing, no lies, no mean comments, no shame or guilt for being me.  It's been so refreshing.   In fact there are people that are a little like me up here, albeit they are a bit younger than I, and that shows me how young at heart I really am, but this doesn't worry me.

There has been such a sense of medicating up here for me.  It's like the wild coastal wind and bird songs have guided my spirit on a journey.  I have come to realise my insides are incomplete and no because I want them that way, but because of hurt.  When you are like that you need a place like here to bring you to a wholeness you have never known.  It is here I have been most confronting with myself, more real with what is going on in my heart and learning not to be afraid to tell myself how I really feel.

This is the Grace that I need now.

My Dreams are too Big

I am not afraid to tell the person next to me my dreams.  For some strange reason I find it hard to hold my cards close to my chest when it comes to me dreams, I think it's cos I really believe God is good and His dreams are mine and I am so excited for the future.  

My passion for my future bubbles up inside me so much!  I can't contain it, I need to share!! 

Sometimes I find myself telling Christians my dreams, who believe that it will be too hard and that God is not opening the doors right now because He needs me to grow through the suffering of my life!  There are others who tell me that my dreams will work around my illness, but I refuse to listen to either.  

Here is the deal. My dreams are massive, they are too big, they are ridiculous and there is no way I can do them!  

And that is why I know they will happen...because God HAS to make it happen.  I lean not on my own understanding, and God will direct my path, He will make the way, He has my best interests at heart so I will get healing on the way. AMEN  

Blog rant over :D

Four Hundred Seasons in one Month

It's true, I don't write on my blog nearly enough, I am not the best at journalling either.  I want to tell you all what my life has been life since I last posted but it would be too much.  There are too many great moments and so many tears.  It is not enough to say that the last part of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry was life changing. We got imparted to, knighted, loved on, intensely worshipped with nearly 1000 students for the last time.  We honoured each other in parties, grabbed last goodbyes as much as we could, not realising how hard it would be later.

I will mention the knighting, for those who read this and don't understand what that is all about.  We had a ceremony where all students were knighted and commissioned, sent to the world.  As I knelt on the floor waiting for Pastor Bill Johnson and Pastor Kris Vallotton to knight me with real swords, I was surprised by how moved I was.  Words could not actually describe it, and this cliche line didn't help the experience.  My pathetic attempt to describe it was that I was suddenly showed how important I was to the world, to the Papas of Bethel and to Abba God.  As they placed the swords on each shoulder, I felt a wave of acceptance, love, strength, power and might course through my veins.  I could barely get to my feet and walk as I was more overwhelmed than I had been in my life, more overwhelmed than my wedding day!  I didn't know this experience existed in me. Later I was blessed and honoured in an honouring ceremony with our Revival Group when a wonderful woman in my revival group made a royal Queenly robe out of velvet and with a lovely fur trim and gold beads, then crowned me with a fur trimmed crown, telling me that I need to know that I am not just a Princess, but a Queen in God's Kingdom.  I literally had to be held up by friends and my legs crumpled under the overwhelming feeling of honour, love and respect.  Tears stream down my face now as I even type of the experience.

Nothing could prepare me for the emptiness I would experience as one by one my friends left Redding and then so did I.  I always felt loved by God, filled with His Joy and I was blessed enough to have an amazing friend to stay with in the last weeks but I am not holding anything back with this post.

The last Sunday was so freeing as first I was totally SOZOed by an amazing sermon at Bethel and then got to sit and listen to Papa Bill with a very small group of 10 or 15 of us and get to ask him questions in a 'fireside chat' with him.

When I got back to New Zealand, I was so happy to be home to my homeland, and shed a little tear as I saw the carvings and Koru paintings when I arrived.

I realised at this point the significance of America in intercessory as I walked into a wall of negativity and depression, alongside the power and mighty spirit of NZ.  I realised that the United States had such a blessing with how many interceed for the nation and that we need to make a call to New Zealanders to interceed for ours!  No more to the heavy thick depression hovering over our land, lets say yes to all the promise we hold as the first to see the sun!

I know this post seems a little doom and gloom, and I am not going to lie, being back here I have gone through so much greiving of the year gone by, but I alongside that I have the hope of the amazing promise of Tomorrows that my Father who lives in Heaven has lined up for me.

Now I cry for my friends back at BSSM but giggle with excitement as I pack my bags once again and move to Whangarei, a place I have never lived!

Promises, truth, being real.

When is it enough? Do you wait until the very breaking point of your frustration before you cry out to Abba Father for your breakthrough?? As I lay in my bed weeping, realising the best year of my life is coming to a close, I realised also that I feel like I have not run towards everything that I could have to acheive the greatness that was potentially mine. Not that I will not get it, but as I grappled with the fearful empty, I realised I was agreeing with a lie. Then I realised what had transpired in the past few weeks. Not only have I had some of my deepest breakthroughs, of which I have no words for, but I have also had such horrible attacks. I became aware of my swollen throbbing foot and ankle, from the sprain I endured during Missions in Tijuana. I thought of my family and the breakthrough I was still praying for them, I tearfully prayed for finances and breakthrough for my family with that. I cried out to God that if (or when) I get into 2nd year that it would not be a financial burden for my Mother as much as it has been this year. I told Abba that I know He is my provider but that I didn't want to see another struggle financially for my parents, that I want to see a miracle, I told Him that I was tired of fighting for what was supposed to be already mine. He has promised that He will provide, heal body and soul, concur any fears, release Peace that Passes understanding. I thought of the verse that says "No weapon formed against you will prosper." Being that not the best with remembering scripture's references, I searched for it. Up comes this passage, and I am reminded of what God has started in me this year: Isaiah 54:17 The Message (MSG) 11-17"Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied: I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise, Lay your foundations with sapphires, construct your towers with rubies, Your gates with jewels, and all your walls with precious stones. All your children will have God for their teacher— what a mentor for your children! You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble—nothing to fear! far from terror—it won't even come close! If anyone attacks you, don't for a moment suppose that I sent them, And if any should attack, nothing will come of it. I create the blacksmith who fires up his forge and makes a weapon designed to kill. I also create the destroyer— but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged. Any accuser who takes you to court will be dismissed as a liar. This is what God's servants can expect. I'll see to it that everything works out for the best." God's Decree. I believe that this is what God has been doing in me this year, building a foundation, rebuilding me so that I an solid and grounded in righteousness. What I need to keep my eyes on is His promises. He has started this good work, He will be faithful to finish it: Philippians 1:6 Amplified Bible (AMP) 6And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. This is what I believe. I may not feel it yet, but I will keep reminding myself of this promise and of what He has done.

First Missions Trip EVER!

I was contemplating writing in my journal about my experiences, because my heart is so raw, but I decided to reveal my heart and be transparent to the world (all 12 followers and those who may read this). It will be very long, and honestly I may get all my days mixed up, so get a coffee, a tea, a cookie, relax and have a read.

I will use names, even though you may not know who I am talking about. It makes it easier. But for those who don't know the people in the story, I pray you get to meet them; they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life.


At the beginning of the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry year I heard God say "You are going to Tijuana." At this point I only had a vague idea that TJ was in Mexico and I have desired to go to Mexico since I was 14! Then the leader of school, Mark Brooks was introduced as the man who "also leads to Tijuana Missions trip." Yay! The school year changed my life and I feel as though I have been here forever, but now I have been on the Tijuana Missions trip.

Setting out on the Trip with Jesus (my anointed stuffed Lamb and the one who lives in me), I literally could not sleep two nights before hand. I was so excited and nervous. The carpool I went with were filled with lovelies and we went a day early to stay in Redlands one night. The hospitality and generosity of the man we stayed with was insane! I was so blown away and blessed.

After arrived at the wrong border in San Diego, we just made it in time to the right one and walked over the border. I was shocked at how they didn't check our ID or Passport or for drugs or food! I Pray they get far more strict.

Arriving in Tijuana was a very familiar feeling for me, it was amazing, I didn't feel odd. I found even the dirt roads strangely beautiful and the shacks called to me to stay and eat with those inside.

It was surprise for me to be on cots, a nasty one, I am not going to lie, I needs my sleeps. But I learned if you wear two layers of clothing, put a hat over your eyes and ear plugs in, you get by. No toilet paper can be flushed so we had wastebaskets for the used toilet paper, making the smell of 80 women's paper pretty bad after a few days. The showers were are dribble and you were lucky if it was warm, but this is the experience of the Mission field and it excited me. We found out the our Team was split, which made me sad, I loved getting to know them before the trip, but we ended up with a 'Standard' team (inside joke). Our first meeting we first met Caleb, an amazing leader and wonderful mam of God.

We ended up all having turns being prophesied over and it was stellar. I was surprised at how much the group could see in me, I sometimes feel as though people don't see a lot cos they say nothing (which is just silly I know). I honestly wish I could remember the words, but I do remember that I am powerful and insanely prophetic was part of it. That first day was just settling in, we went to the shop up the road, cookies, candy and such. We went in large groups with more than one male per group. Rancho Jireh (where we were staying) was in some of the poorest parts of Tijuana and therefore can be very dangerous ( I wasn't afraid but there is wisdom in groups).

This night we met in the Prayer Chapel and one by one we made declarations of what would keep us back on this trip and spoke truth over the lies. I was the first to step up, having no words I just shouted FREEDOM with all I had. I ended up more drunk I had been in a very, very long time, prophesying, taking drunken photos, speaking in high pitched, extremely fast tongues and also other languages (but not perfectly haha). I ended up in the dining hall getting icecream but I don't really remember a lot. The funny thing is about being drunk in the Spirit for me is, is that it's like being drunk on alcohol but way funner, I was legless.

The first team trip to a church was the next morning. We went to Mexicali, a 2.5 hour drive away. It was my first experience of "women get the seats" in my life.

Two of my amazing men sat on the floor of the Mini Bus, if you know Mexico roads, you know this is not an easy task!

We Ministered to a church who were starting a BSSM in their church! They lay out a huge spread of food, we prayed and prophesied over some leaders and a woman with cancer. We shared gave prophesies, shared testimonies and spoke out words of knowledge. In many cases the people were healed just responding to the words of knowledge! 75% of the room stood up and I think almost all were healed. One guy had a broken foot that got healed, he could walk on it, he was so rocked by the love of God. Pancreas's got healed, knees, backs, Kidney's (tho we need doc reports), depression. I got a lot of broken hearts and subsequently missed the group photo as I was ministering to a women who needed to talk and I released peace over her, it was so good to see her get some relief and joy.
After getting home at 2am (and a bus ride with bonding over farts and toilet humour) we were exhausted.

The next day as the sun shine higher and brighter we worshipped in the courtyard, a morning ritual I miss dearly. It was then we were joined by amazing people from Vineyard Christian Church from Laguna Niguel. We got three of these people in our team and they were a perfect fit. After some house keeping they all had to dance (an initiation to the family) and then we went loose prophesying over them. I couldn't shut up! I was prophesying for ages and ages and got so drunk and crazy, I was worried I had scared them LMAO < not really! We got to join Abi's group (Abi is my Revival Group Pastor at school) but we went on seperate buses. Team 6 craziness was epic on the way. We got there early and went to the shop for some good Mexican coke and icecream. Heading into the church I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle (and I didn't realise it at the time my knee, hip and wrist). I was laughing so hard out of God's Joy it was crazy! I had to sit down the whole time, as we had stations and Healing Rooms (it was a little sad for me), but I sat at the prophetic arts table and person after person was touched by the love of God as I gave them picture after picture. I was astonished how easy it was to get to their hearts and how moved they were from simple words. I also sung prophetically over a couple of guys, it was amazing. I painted a picture for a boy who was sick and past it on to a leader to give to the family. At this place I bumped into someone I met in BSSM who came to visit and said she was touched by be, she shouted my name and my heart skipped a beat as I realised how the love of God is so big that it would bring a beautiful woman like Dniz into my life. It turns out she is a Doctor and I told her about the Hydrocephalus and she was amazing. We prayed and hugged. I love her so much, it's crazy how quickly you can love someone. After this we went to the Taco Stand, I had an encounter with God as Zoey and Cody prayed for me. It was so insane, again I saw crowds of misfits and each I felt their heart. Again I was on stage ready to sing and as soon as my mouth opened people got rock, when I song a sonic boom came from my mouth and knocked the crowd over. Then I was standing on rock over looking a meadow with sheep all looking up at me waiting for my command. I can't wait to see in reality what these mean. I got so rocked. I shared my story with Zoey on the bus as we drove back to Rancho Jireh. At some point Caleb let it slip that it was his birthday! We were shocked and I was a little sad he didn't let us know earlier! We sung happy birthday and wished him well. After a bit I turned to him and said "Caleb!" across the bus. "I just want you to know that you are a really beautiful man, with insanely gorgeous eyes, you are HOT!" (in chimes Chris with "and sexy") "And sexy, and you have got it going on!" The whole bus erupted. Mark Brooks, who was sitting next to Caleb said. "I have seen a lot but I have never heard that before!" He kept saying that hahaahahaha. This was my birthday gift to Caleb, a few truths and some great laughter. Shopping day was the next day and I was a little worried about how I was going to walk around on a sore ankle. On the way to Rosarita, our Team got really rowdy and sung worship song after worship song and danced in the aisle. (the Team up front were much more dignified) After a bit I felt to dance too and my ankle was healed!

Shopping was fun, we met at the beach on a cold and windy day. We walked around and ended up ministering a lot. In the markets I got a Poncho (not what we would call a Poncho), a stained glass cross, and a poster of Sacred Heart Jesus.

This is before we went to Revolucion St.

Revolucion St (or Revolution St) is a hub, with markets and shops, right by the Red Light District. There was a large stage where we were to perform. Firstly we headed out for food and bathrooms, I ended up dancing in front of a bunch of people, and falling over ahahaha it was hilarious. Apparently I looked good tho. Then a few locals showed us how it was done.

It was time to rip it up on stage!!!! I responded to the call for Street Preachers and I knew exactly what I was gonna say. LOVE!!!

They started with a drum circle and acapella singing, which was so great I loved it. There was worship, dancing, singing, preaching, a drama...Then I got to preach. As I stood up on stage I felt the call of God on my life. I preached. I got passionate, I walked up and down the stage a little. I pointed. I shared who I am. I was real, I was raw, I was transparent. The Love of God roared through me. As I left the stage I was met by some amazing people encouraging me. Then Jesus walked up to me. It was a life changing experience, a Mexican man who shone from within in, walked up to me with a long-stemmed red rose. He patted his heart and walked away. I turned from him as tears rolled down my cheeks. I had never had such a tangible display of God's romance for us before. It suddenly felt beautiful.

It is important to add here that I shared about the Love of God in my life. I shared about growing up in a Christian home but still spending hours in front of the mirror telling myself how much I hated how I looked, how much I hated who I was, there is still some undoing to do but the love of God is so great, I just will keep waiting on Him to love me.


After an amazing night, Dniz the friend from the other church and whom I had met at BSSM, took me and Chris out for Tacos! It was the greatest blessing! I can't describe the love I felt from being fed after such a long day.

The ride home was epically crazy as usual, but this time, I shared my heart with a friend and cried some more, then someone talked about this night being so STANDARD. The Holy Spirit just ripped through me with so much Joy I fell apart at the seams, even more than usual. I laughed so hard I couldn't breath! In the end I went to the Dining Hall drunk and no knowing really what I was doing. I sat down and all I remember is speaking in those high pitch tongues and prophesying over Forest. I was a gonna. I was about to go to bed when I ended up praying for some more people in those tongues and again I was gone in a trance! haha. I literally do not remember anything until I got to the bathroom in the sleeping quarters.

Sunday was amazing.

(outside the church)

Our team was pumped and ready, and this time we were joined by some of our original group (Forest and co). We spoke at a small community church with beautiful dancing girls. At first the room was slightly somber and sober. As Liam and Cherish preached, the atmosphere shifted. We gave words of knowledge for healing and people got healed! We had a fire tunnel it was fun. I ended up prophetically dancing and was blown away at how well I did, I haven't danced like that in years. I just pray for healing so I can continue to do so. I noticed some holding back sit at the back and I felt led to go down there. I sat next to a girl with dyed Red hair, false eyelashes and lots of makeup. She was so beautiful and she didn't know it. My heart broke. I felt her pain. I tried to speak to her in a few words of love. I could feel God moving. Eventually Zebdi, our translator came and helped. I was crying by this time. I could see he was also very moved and Jessica C. felt it too. We all loved her. Eventually she received the love and asked Jesus into her heart. It was amazing! I only wish I could stay with her and disciple her.

After some awesome dancing and prayer time we left for Tacos again. I love real Tacos!!! Mark J and Forest ate eyeball Tacos!!! They regretted. I am not surprised! We had such a bonding time. We went for icecream also and then back to Ranco Jireh. The night was not done. By the time I got food, our amazing sophisticated leader, Mark Brooks, was having a drunken food fight.

The whole room erupted into drunkeness and I have a lot of drunken photography to prove it.

(really blurry but its a pile of people on the floor)

I ended up prophesying to the wee hours of the morning and getting so wrecked. At one point I think I may have been speaking in other languages again. I remember hugging and tickling and being on the ground a lot. The table breaking. Chicken, more laughing, ribs hurting...monkey laughter, high pitched fast tongues...then as I thought I was going to bed, I ended up staying up for a bombfire. I am glad I did. It blessed me.

The time in Tijuana was over. We left early the next morning (early for me anyway 8am) and as we drove out of the city I cried, A LOT! It was the kind of cry when tears just fall from your eyes and you have no sound. It's deep and heartfelt. I took a couple of pictures driving out

This picture reminded me that God has His hand on the people and that I will be back to love them again.

This is an incredibly long blog post but it's not finished! You are doing very well if you get to this point!

I was not feeling at all well and my brain was doing funny things. As I stood at the border waiting to cross my body gave out. I had an episode, the first since September. I didn't have much control over my body. I couldn't walk, I could hardly talk and I started to cry. I had to get carried over the border by some amazing men and accomponied by an amazing woman who sorta understood how it was for me, as she has had to look after her sister, not with Hydrocephalus, but she understood. I was in a lot of confusion, I couldn't think straight and I had to lay under a tree as we waited for 2-3hours for the rest of the team to come through. Abigail was amazing, she stayed with me the whole time and looked after me. I got picked up by Eric and off we went to Laguna Niguel (LA). As soon as I got there, I lay down for like 20 mins and then hung out, I took it easy. That night the church service was amazing, I was still pretty sick, but I was not going to miss this. I prayed for Cody's family and boy are they anointed and amazing! I got to pray for a bunch of people including a really really big black man. Super tall, and super muscly. hahah I loved him so much! I prayed for healing in a few people, one was a wrist, and I kept on getting a word about initmacy with God, but I couldn't figure it out. At one point it seemed like it was getting better but then not. It was a growing moment. Then out of the blue a man gets out of a wheelchair! His face determined as he walked slowly around the room! Then faster, then sprinting!! He was an elderly man so this even more incredible! At this point I asked for healing of my brain and I sobbed and moaning out of desperation. I didn't get my healing. I asked the guys I had prayed for the wrist and got kinda drunk with for a bit. I felt they had a healing annointing. They do. As they prayed for me I was so rocked. I couldn't move and I was consumed again with the love of God. I was so grateful. I will always remember those tattooed men of Valour. We ended with a fire tunnel and we got so rocked. I was getting pretty sick at this point and had to go to bed.

The next day I was super sick with a Migraine, but I tried to hide it a little. Though my car ride knew. I had the best breakfast I have had in my life at Mimi's cafe. It was amazing French Toast with cream cheese, berry compote and berries. I stepped out and I got a word of knowledge for our waitress. She was so touched she cried. I pray that God continues to move her. That was the first time I have given a word of knowledge like that. It was awesome.

We parted ways with Rebecca as she was staying in Redlands with her bro and headed off to Redding. I got sicker. I dozed on and off with medication not really working, even some really heavy stuff my friend gave me. Then I started getting sick with a stomach bug, it was a slow ride home after that but my friends are amazing and patient, they really looked after me. The next day I woke up with a cold, the day after with respiratory problems and my ankle, knee and hip started getting sore again. This is an attack of the enemy!! But I know my calling now, I will never be the same again. Nothing will stop me from loving on people, nothing will stop me from preaching, nothing will stop me from running after the call of God in my life. I would die for this cause. The world needs to know, there is a God that loves them, there is a God that cares, He is fun, He is big, He heals, He delivers, He is mighty to save and there is nothing that can seperate us from that Love, even if we don't know it yet. I am wrecked for life. I am so wrecked. I love the nations, I will go.

Thanks so much for reading this if you read it all. There is even more I didn't add. My heart broke so many times, it's impossible to put into words, but also something I didn't realise is that this trip was not just about loving others, it was about loving me.

I Choose to Reject the Lies of Rejection

There are many things in our lives that have caused an experience of rejection. Unfortunately, no matter how much our parents tried to protect us from this, every child will experience it, every teen, every adult, every lifetime. This doesn't mean we need to live affected by the lie of rejection. The fact is, yes, we may have been purposely rejected, there were many kids at school that outrightly told me that I was not good enough for them, I know I am not alone with this; however this does not need to take root, and if it does, the TRUTH will set me free.

Today I learned a small, but very significant truth about my life. This, now that I am aware of it, will be the start of my journey and process with uprooting Rejection.

I learned that my extremely messy room, eating habits, the stack of homework that stays not touched, they were all symptoms of me living out of Perfectionism; and a that is a symptom of Rejection. A light bulb turned on, when rejection collides with perfectionism this equals chaos, and this describe how I live my life. I was so afraid I couldn't live up to standards that I believed I should be living that I totally didn't even try, I didn't try because I felt so rejected by people, that I started buying into the lie that I was not good enough. That's where the Paralysis kicked in, I procrastinate, avoid, and live in a comfort zone. I get so scared of failing that I didn't even try, so scared of losing control that I control my life as I know how; by living messy and letting what I feel dictate what I do.

What's Next???

Now I know that some of my behaviours are from experiences of rejection and even perceived rejection, I can go through the forgiveness process. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's an act of will, a choice. When we actively choose to forgive, we may be doing it with clenched teeth, but it still helps. Once we forgive them we release them from all hate, anger, malice, judgement, even murder in our heart, towards them. We bless them too. This whole process helps us get free. Like Joyce Meyers says: "Unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting it to harm the other person." We really just harm ourselves. Declaring a blessing over the person releases them and us to greater destiny and truth. *side note, forgiveness for and blessing a person doesn't need to be in front of them or to them.*

Does this mean that I will suddenly eat better, have a tidy bedroom and do all my homework efficiently? No, but it will mean that I will get set free from the ROOT causes of some behaviours that result in those things, and therefore eventually I might feel like keeping my room tidy, eating healthier and planning out my homework.

So much JOY in this discovery. I hope my breakthrough will become yours.

Do you Love Everyone?

Do you love everyone? You're a good person right? You are nice to people, kind, friendly, caring...the list could go on.

So when it comes to loving yourself, I know many of you think you do, but sometimes we don't dig deep to our innermost feelings. I discovered that shame was peeled away from our lives through love. How can is that shame peeled away properly without us first loving ourselves? When we don't truly love ourselves, we don't truly let ourselves be loved by others and thus stripping away any shame we have in our lives.

Take heed, God knows how to strip away our defenses and burn away the outer layers with His hot molten love.

Romans 8:38-39
Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

For I am persuaded that not even death or life,
angels or rulers,
things present or things to come, hostile powers,
height or depth, or any other created thing
will have the power to separate us
from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!


Jesus didn't just die for your sins, He died so you can be united with the Father who loves you with love that can never die. This is our key to Freedom

Intentionality

I had a revelation that I was not living my life with intention. I didn't think that intentionality < (made up word?) was something that I needed to worry about, that I was somehow different. I have been living dictated by my emotions and what I felt Holy Spirit was saying. There is nothing wrong with being an emotional person that listens to Holy Spirit for all things, but I was being led by a wind, not by a force. What am I afraid of? What if I purposely got up at the same time everyday, gave myself a curfew, purposely chose what I was to eat (not by what I feel like eating), scheduled in my homework time and time for exercise? Would I lose my freedom? I propose that I would gain the freedom that I have been searching for, that level that I has eluded me for so long. Discipline is not a dirty word for the crazy creative! It is the magic word! It is not made to reign in my ideas, my passion or zeal, I can still be all the things I have been, but more! Here is an excerpt from a book we read for Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. Moral Revolution by Kris Vallotton and Jason Vallotton:

"I can't tell you how many people I have talked to over the years who say things like, "No one respects me," "Nobody likes me," or, "No one wants to be my friend." What they don't realise is that that don't like and respect themselves, but they want others to be friends with them. That never works. We tell people what to think of us, not so much with our words but by the environment we develop around us and by the way we take care of ourselves."

I Love Laying in the MUD

My whole life I have had a thing, you know what I mean, a thing, an existence. A contrived living, made up of a mannequin that look somewhat like me. I would grumble because I didn't look like the other mannequins, I would lament of my sorrowful looks. For sure, my life was made up of a series of events that even the most ridiculous Soap Opera would never be able to conceive. But as much as my life was a slab of deification, God always met me. (if you are careful you will notice this is all in past tense until this point). God is my (non Turkish) delight. He takes my lamentations and turns it into a series of movements, fluid, capering, sliding and leaping (this could also be known as dancing in some lands). As soon as my feet hit the ground in repetitive beats and my arms wave the air like a child trying to mimic an elephant, a great sense of ecstatic joy flows through the essence of who I am.

What I have noticed is this, when I wallow in my sorrows, looking only to the things that I do not fit into, live up to, or hope to aspire to, then I sit and roll around in mud; possibly in deification too. Our circumstances don't change when we just gape our mouths open and shut making noises about it, we need to acknowledge the goodness of God. When we remember that DUH God is awesomeness on a stick, we get a rhythm that moves through us. The very definition of turning our mourning into dancing!

I used to try and change things by looking at what I don't have, this would end up in either defeat or I would never live up to my own expectations!
My advice?

STOP IT Lay it all down at His feet, and dance. This is where change happens.

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Check out my more poetic and creative blog if you wanna Who Said AGAPE I love to write random things that make my heart soar. It is a way of expressing the growth that I am experiencing here at Bethel.