More than a Culture.

I am a melting pot of sorts.

You know that super cheesy song from the early 90s?

"Take a pinch of white man
Wrap him up in black skin
Add a touch of blue blood
And a little bitty bit of red indian boy
Oh like a curly latin kinkies
Oh lordy, lordy, mixed with yellow chinkees, yeah
You know you lump it all together
And you got a recipe for a get along scene
Oh what a beautiful dream
If it could only come true, you know, you know

What we need is a great big melting pot
Big enough enough enough to take
The world and all its got
And keep it stirring for
A hundred years or more
And turn out coffee coloured people by the score"

Slightly racist sounding to us nowadays but this is me.  It seems it is anyway.  

I don't know when I started noticing it but it's a truth nonetheless.  I can sit next to just about anyone and have a good conversation.  I have been told I am so rock, so pop, so punk, such a black girl, such a Maori girl, so much younger/older than my real age.  Is this a gift?  I think so.  Though relatively misunderstood most of the time.  My parties are a nightmare cos either I have too many people turning up or not many.  Also I have friends from all over the globe and all walks of life.  It has come to my attention that the way I experience the world would be different to those who are very ingrained in their culture.  Something I am a little envious about.  I have walked up to Maori boys twice my height and size and told them where to go and they obey, however many others would have got knifed or beaten.  I wonder what the experience of being part of one culture is like?  Yes you get conflict and mistrust, and I still do sometimes, but what is it like to belong to one thing deeply?  

This is what God told me about it tonight.

He said I am in a culture.  I am in His Kingdom Culture.  I embrace all creation with open arms and do not stop to think about consequences that is why I blend.  This goes to all those people out there that are like me.  The ones that feel that maybe you have too many sides to you, to many ways that you change to much around differing people. That is a lie, that is your gift.  You will influence the Earth with Love.  You will be able to speak the language of many, maybe not the spoken kind but the heart song.  You will reach out to the misunderstood and lonely, not thinking twice about how they will take it.  You carry so much culture that the culture of those around you changes, those who may dishonour, feel the need to honour.  Those who may be unkind find their way of showing kindness, those who felt lost will feel accepted.  This is the Culture of Heaven and this is how we invade this piece of Earth.  Is it not a potent way to love your neighbour?  To care enough to understand them?  To sit with the homeless and listen to their stories, feed the hungry hearts with words of affirmation and their stomachs with food. To try out the passions of those who feel unseen.  To eat at the table of those who need trust.

These are the late night ponderings of a girl who is "white", but feels so much more than the box that is labeled a colour.

The Truth about Food

I am generally one of those people that come up with my best posts by letting process as I write so here I am processing, bear with me.  I had a conversation with a friend today about, well, so many things that have already been on my mind quite a bit.  You see I am not one of those people that take one thing at a time, run at it till I am satisfied with how I am and what I believe, then move onto the next situation/problem/topic/quandary.  I tend to have all these things at once hitting my mind, then I physically feel them, taste thing, and emotionally it hits me as I sort through each and every word and idea that has to do with that subject, and that subject reminds me of another and I do the same with that one.  Then that subject reminds me yet of another and so it goes on.  I would be a lot more simple if I could come up with solutions for all these things and fix them, but I don't I have ideas.

So anyway, where was I.  A friend and I were talking about a few things that have been on my mind.  One is food.  I have had a bad relationship with food for as long as I remember.  

I have tried, over and over again to fix this relationship to something I feel it should be, but having been that I can not remember a time, even as a child, that I had a healthy relationship with food I am uncertain of how to obtain that.  We were talking about our mothers who were always dieting and talking about food making food the center of our universe.  I am a grown woman and this has not changed.  I literally have a panic attack if I try and ignore a craving, I can suddenly start obsessing about exercise to counteract my relationship with food.  I find it hard to enjoy it and that saddens me.  It is a drug to me.  Now rather than just leaving it there I want to say something awesome.  I am not as I used to be with this, I used to be so obsessed that I used it as a self harm device.  I would punish myself by not eating for days and exercising until fatigued.  I would measure myself, grab at my rolls, I would stare in the mirror for hours.  What changed from then and now?  I now love my personality, I love so much of how God has made me and I am well on my way to loving how I look too.  This came through look at the Creator continuously.  By seeing what He has done for me and being thankful.  By realising that hating me is hating He who made me. It is telling myself how amazing I am even when as I did so I wanted to vomit and spit and cry and scream.  I did some of those things, you have no idea how much hate I held for myself.  Tomorrow I am meeting a person about writing a book and then joining the gym even though I have little money.  I am proud of what I am doing to change myself.  The thing is I believe everyone can start to love themselves too.  There is no one that can not begin that progression toward a belief in themselves, even if you really don't want to, just do it.  No matter how much you hurt doing it, tell yourself you are worthy.

I know I said there were other things we talked about, but I think this is enough for now.
Don't forget that God don't make trash.  There is always beauty in what He makes, find that in yourself and tell yourself that truth over and over until you believe it.  The Truth will set you free.

There Once was a Cat....

Lately I have been pondering my own sexuality.

Yup you read that right.

Question, when did sex become taboo?  Why is it ok for the male of the human race to joke about it, but women get called crass or slutty?  I want to talk about it.  God made us with a sex drive, he made us want to enjoy sex, it's such a beautiful and exciting thing.  So why can't many women talk about it without giggling and/or blushing in shame?

This is what I think.  This post, there is no holding back.

First here is a story:  I once sat in a youth group as a young teen where out of no where the youth leader starts talking about kissing.  It was kind of random and it certainly caught me by surprise, at that point I believe I was 13 and I hadn't had my first kiss.  She went on to talk to the girls about how we can not kiss with our tongues.  Ok. I get it.  Since then I have kissed with my tongue (pashed, frenched...whatever you call it), many times, I knew she was right.  She went on to tell us that we should not do it or we will cause the guy we are kissing to want to have sex with us.

Good intentions, good advice, so what's the problem?

She took the girls aside.

From the age of 13 I learned that it was up to me to not lead on a man.  That men's sex drives and thought lives were my responsibility to control.  That men were victims to their own design.

Women need to keep boundaries, we need to understand ourselves and know what our limits are.  We need to be strong and powerful and love ourselves by knowing who we are.  Men need to do the same.  Since when did Men's sexuality become Women's responsibility?

Since then I have had the same lesson in various forms.  I  am a woman, I have desirable parts to my body, I need to be very, very, very aware of those parts.  More and more I was losing a battle with loving myself well.  I have larger than average breasts and as a teen I was very slim so they were more prominent.  I often got called a slut, in youth group, walking down the street, or even in my old baggy clothes, standing at a bustop I almost caused an accident as a man stared at my chest.  So the church told me it was up to me to control their behaviour.  It turned into a battle of my emotions and mind.  I learned that my body was dirty and disgusting.  I had eating disorder after eating disorder, punishing myself for the lie I believed.  That I was man's dirty little pornstar, even if I did wear baggy clothing.

We need to change this mindset around.  Men are powerful beings, they have the power to believe that they are more than their urges as do we.  Men can be sweet, kind, loving and protective.  They are awesome enough to help cultivate the beauty of a woman's body, by treating it with respect.  I believe that.  I have so much more to say about this topic and so many experiences, both good and bad to do with my sexuality.

These days I look at my body, now a plumper version of that teen girl, and choose to believe that it was wonderfully made, that my sexuality is beautiful and that I don't hold the responsibility of Man's sexuality.

With these Words...

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

PRAISE JESUS!

THANK YOU GOD!!


All things I have been learning to say.  To give thanks, even when I don't feel like it.  It says 'give thanks' 33 times in the Bible and 'thankful' 7 times.

Now I just want to stop here for a bit and say, I grew up in the church.  I have heard sermons, read writings and listened to others talk about being grateful and thankful over and over again.  This is just one of many some of you may have read.  But this is my journey and I am sticking to writing about it, no matter how many times you have heard the phrase "be grateful/thankful/give thanks."

A couple of weeks ago I embarked on a journey up to Northland, New Zealand (several hours north of where I live).  This was such a joyous journey for me.  Not hard to give thanks in those circumstances you may think.  Nevertheless I did find myself complaining, moaning and grizzling about one thing or another.  If you have been following my blogs since I first started writing them, you will know that I have a brain disorder that causes me quite a bit of grief.  This is important to add, as this is the main reason why I was complaining.  Some would find it acceptable, understandable and would not chastise me for grumbling from time to time.

This is who I started to feel like.

There were many curve balls that were thrown at me before even the trip had started, I couldn't sleep well for about 3 weeks leading up to it, then accommodation situations fell through, and there were so many things that were not clear to me.  Grumble, grumble, grumble!  

The way the trip was planned, was so that it could be super flexible, meaning we had to be flexible.  This can be tough for someone that has had to plan her days because of illness.  Grumble, grumble, grumble....

When people started reacting and responding to my comments, even when I wasn't meaning it in a grumbling way, I started looking at myself.  What could I do to change how people are perceiving me, what can I do the start feeling happier, what can I do to encourage others to do the same?  Opportunity came my way.  When having a meeting we were asked who needed prayer.  I got some.  I walked away, not feeling any different until I came back outside, after an inkling I needed to.  I am glad I did.  Three people were on the ground of the parking lot, laughing their heads off.

I came over, told one of the people around them that I wasn't feeling God that much, but that He was doing something deeper in me.  I don't really remember what happened next, except I was on the ground laughing with those people!  It was over...I didn't want to look at what I didn't have anymore.  I decided to look at what I did have and when I couldn't think of anything just praise God anyway.  Every time something annoyed me, I reacted by saying "Praise the Lord."  or "Thank you Jesus!"  Even when I was really, really pissed off at the circumstances and was saying it sarcastically, it helped.  I would find myself laughing at my sarcasm.  From that point on, the trip was a much happier time for me!

God didn't put "give thanks" in the Bible 33 times as a command because He is lonely and needy, wanting us the fulfill His need to feel powerful.  He isn't an angry God that wants us to repent over and over by giving Him thanks.  No.  He is waiting for us to get it.  That when we give thanks to Him, we start seeing the Truth. It's the Truth that sets you free!  PRAISE GOD!